Kurisu's page

Oh Hai! Didn’t See You Thar!

Well howdy! This really has been a while since I last tumbled onto this. (see what I did there? Lame? Yea.. I thought so too.)

I vaguely remember my last postings to be quite doom and gloomy, so I suppose I need to fill in the gaps. I just looked at my very last post, and thought it quite ironic that on September 11th 2010, I decided to scream at the world in my own little way. Probably should have been concentrating on something that little bit more significant. But hey, Das ist life for you.

I also remember saying that I was very nervous about taking the leap away from school and into the real world. I think I was right, I had reason to be scared. It’s a scary place. Yet at the same time, I couldn’t be happier. I have met some amazing friends, and lost a few too… but at the same time I feel I can say that I am living a life without regret. I am thoroughly enjoying who and what I have become now. Perhaps not everything changed for the better, as it is safe to say that I have picked up some nasty habits, but still… even though I thought it was impossible for me, I have somehow managed to grow up even more.

So… Where to start. I am now an big brother (woopedy fucking doo) with the only hitch being that I will not get to see the little scamp… c’est la vie…

I am doing well with my job! I have met some of the craziest people on this earth, and I miss every single one of them who has had to go back home. On top of this I am now head of a department too, which is pretty surprising! In fact, it’s absolutely insane.

I’m driving now too, which is absolutely fekkin’ awesome. Love it so much!

Trying to think of what else there is really. Don’t really feel like getting too personal with everything, as there is somethings, Mr. Interweb, that you do not need to know. So all personal romances, grievances and other such things will remain away from your prying eyes.

Talk about metaphor galore..

Anywho, I am busy being ill at the moment, so I feel a nap coming on.

Peace.

Just a short one…

I would really like to say a most ungracious ‘Fuck You’ to the Human populace.

That is all.

Finé.

Down we go…

Well, it would appear that things have suddenly gone from being fine and okay, to bad, worse, and then 50 feet of shit. I made the decision to leave school a month ago, in the hopes that I would be able to pursue the dream of going out to the ski slopes and teaching. Obviously I didn’t just expect to up and go, and for everything to happen overnight. No, I decided to start afresh as it were, find myself a job that paid a reasonable amount, and then start saving over the next 1-2 years.

That was the plan at least. It then turns out that if I do leave education, it means screwing other people over, leaving them high and dry. Nice. Guilt-1, Chris-0. But, even after knowing this, I decided to push through regardless. So… After countless arguments, flares of anger and frustration, I sent out some applications to different companies. I would like to say I am now pleased to be part of a year long apprenticeship. Or at least I was, until a few hours ago. Now, I feel completely lost, the wind knocked out of me and not knowing where I stand, or which way I should turn.

I hate to say all of this as it is so… Whiny… but I just need to get it out of my system. This is perhaps one of the only times on my life I have felt truly lost. I really have no idea as to what I am meant to do. Do I go on with this opportunity, earn little and keep none? Do I try and go back to school, spend the next two years in misery, just so that everyone else is better off? Or, do I sit, do nothing and hope that one of the other job applications comes back offering me a place, one that actually pays rather well if the Job description is anything to go by.

I guess it doesn’t really matter a great deal, as with any of the choices, I shit out. If I take this apprenticeship, I get paid little, get a small qualification, and then just end up at square one, only a year later, except for the fact that I have pissed of everyone else as I shoved them out the door so that I might pursue my own interests. If I go back to school, everyone else would be happier, but me. I am past schooling now, I don’t want to go back. I have had enough. So I don’t honestly think I would benefit from going back, my hearts not in it, so therefore I won’t do well. I am not interested in the slightest. If I do either of these two, I suppose the third option may always crop up, that Some miraculous job offer comes along, allowing me to save some money, whilst also sharing some out to support those who need it. It would be the solution to all my problems.

But I really don’t know what to do now… I was so excited to be taking a step forward in a new direction with this apprenticeship, and now, it has been soured. I thought of all my options, and all the repercussions it would entail, and I thought that I would be able to live with them. It turns out I’m not as callous and cold as I had hoped, so now I must simply stumble on somewhere, with an incessant guilt that will just refuse to go away.

What If I am going wrong? I thought of this before hand, and came to the conclusion that I am still young enough to pick myself up from any failures. I would be able to get up, start anew. But this now raises two new problems. A) This still doesn’t mean that I like the idea of failing. B) I may be okay to get up and start again, but what about those around me who it would also affect?

I really don’t know anymore, I really don’t. I thought I had considered all the different options. In some ways, I had, but just perhaps from the wrong angle. I viewed them as an outsider, instead of viewing them as me.

Well, I guess I made this bed, so I have to sleep in it. I have to live with what I have done/about to step into. I really wish this was just a case of cold feet, but I know it’s not nerves.

This marks the end of a whiny and pathetic rant.

Finé.

In leaps and bounds

So eek. Not the best way to start I know but still, eek. It appears that I have decided to venture away from the tediousness of education, and step forward into the big, wide, working world. It’s a pretty scary moment if I am honest, suddenly deciding to step forward with what could possibly be major life changes. Or in fact could be exactly the same, but hey, you never know.

However, having said this, it has become increasingly apparent that actually making this step forward is actually incredibly difficult. For starters, the jobs just aren’t there for the taking. No one appears to be hiring a fresh out of school 17 year old with little experience in the working field. It kinda sucks, but I am chucking CV’s left, right and centre at the moment, in the hopes that someone will take a chance and see what I have to offer. So far, nothing has been returned, but it has only been a week, and I am still pumping them out as it were.

But on top of this simple lack of jobs, it would seem that the majority of people around me have decided it would be in my best interest and, coincidentally theirs, for me to stop, think about this for the Four thousandth, Eight hundred and Ninety Fifth time, and perhaps stay in education. Now, when I say they ask me to stop and rethink, I actually mean that they have a rather large freak out and start getting all pissy. Not nice. So on top of the lack of work out there, it becomes apparent that there is very little support either. It kinda sucks, especially when people start throwing the ultimatums at you, trying to make you choose between them or your life.

At this point, I am trying to be realistic as possible. I am not going to be around in one place for much longer anyway, so my answer to that was, my life. Every. Single. Time.

Sorry, but I hate to sound cold and heartless, but for once, I would like to put myself ahead of others, so I can actually achieve what I want in life, and go to where I want to go. As I said, I won’t be around in one place forever, and I cant see the difference between me getting on with life now, or waiting a year doing sweet F-A at school simply because I am not interested and would much rather be doing something else.

Abrupt end of Rant. Feeling lazy now and blarg.

Finé.

A short drop with a sudden stop…

Is what became of my holiday to spain. I can say at this moment in time, that It was to be expected, but nevertheless, has still pissed me off royally.

I shall not go into too much detail here, but I shall give a brief overview as to why my break to España was brought to a very abrupt end. I suppose it started off bad from the very beginning, with the family we were going with really not being interested in us going anymore. So from day one we were just shoved into a corner and ignored. To be honest, that suits me fine, I like being a part of the background, less hassle that way, but what does get to me is the context in which that happens. If it is through my own choosing, so be it, but if it is down to people’s rudeness and lack of basic manners, then that does tend to irk me.

From there things generally spiraled downwards, with certain people of our party thinking themselves above everything else, refusing to even show some even the slightest hint towards acknowledgment of those around them. Then there was the fact that other members thought it would be clever to starve themselves for the duration, along with growing evermore bitchy and unbearable.

Needless to say then, eventually we grew tired of this pettyness, and unfortunately, snapped. So, all hell broke loose, words being sharpened and launched at one another, only to be regretted and felt guilty over shortly after. Or at least for some people.

One thing that has always confused me, is how people say things what they do not mean, or do not mean what they say, and somehow then think it plausible for them to use that as some sort of excuse as for what they have done. It disgusts me if I am honest. I have always hoped that when I have an input, my opinion is clear, or at least, the words have a true sense of meaning behind them. Word’s are precious, and should not be used needlessly, nor should they be thrown around without due consideration.

But going back to the topic at hand. After all had been said, and very little of it meant, we packed our bag’s and left. It was a shame, as there were a few people a little way away that I would have liked to have seen once more before we left, as it had been Two years since our last meeting. I fear that it may be another Two, before we are able to meet again. But such is life, everything happens for a reason. Supposedly.

I now wish to draw this rambling nonsense to a close, as currently, I am having the nagging suspicion that I am typing blindly at the moment. My hand’s seem to have free roam, whilst my mind is half-asleep. That’s what comes of doing this sort of thing in the dead of night I suppose.

It may be a small comfort for you to know that what is written here is truth. Or at least my truth, as my mind does not seem to be engaged enough to think about what is being thought, but merely retains the capacity to think in itself, freely, flowing ever so sluggishly.

So, On that rather obscure note (mind slowly stirring with the obscurity of the last paragraph) I bid you reader farewell.

Finé.

kaininaste asked: I stuck a chat thing on my page, wanna see what it does cause I can't bloody tell anything! Hah!

hahaha, It does take some getting used to. You just have to sit and have a play with it for a while. *giggidy*

Quite the week…

Well, what an intense week this has been. It started off really well, having been paintballing with some friends on the sunday, where he had a load of fun shooting each other in the face. But after this, things just seemed to head down the shitter.

Had a bit of a naff day monday, one of those day’s where nothing seems to go right, but hey, We all have em, no big deal right? Well, to top it all off, I was then mugged monday evening on my way to a school uni presentation thing. Fucking excellent. I won’t go into the whole detail of it as it has been related so many times to various officials this week, it has done my head in. If you read this and want to know, ask me at a later date. Basically, I was followed from home, and then threatened with a knife, and I lost my phone.

So then the rest of the week was pretty much just me being incredibly pissed off, mainly with myself for just standing there like a downy and not actually doing anything, instead just handing everything over. The days were filled with calls from the police to check statements, and to book Esits etc etc, until we arrive at today.

I can say now, I am fine and mostly over the whole thing, but still, thing’s aren’t really helped along, simply by the fact that the weather has decided to turn REALLY crappy, and rain whenever I go outside, only then to break out in bright sunshine when I go back inside wherever. Thanks World, your such a laugh.

However, I am determined to see a silver lining somewhere, and I have come to the conclusion of this. I finish school now basically *woo* and I am off to spain in exactly one week. Joy!

End of ramble’s

Finé.

kaininaste asked: How the deuce do I comment on stuff?!

I have absolutely no idea xD